i dont know

i just dont even knowf***. i just dont even know. im feeling so lost right now, and i know 50% of my feelings right now are due to being emotional and being a effin girl which blows right now. i hate feeling like im on an emotional rollercoaster. i shouldn't be so upset, i shouldn't feel so tsressed right now. maybe im being to critical im over thinking im over analyzing but i cant help it. you have to think about alot when your in college. granted its a lot different then other points in your life. but im just so lost right now. and i guess in a way im looking for people to help or to blame, and a few i can, but its mostly just me. im feeling extemely alone and seperated and confused and used and a million other things. and i guess not in the way msot people would say. but i feel... like i was doing okay and handling things that life was throwing at me. but maybe ive hit my breaking point. i was staying strong for so long and faking a smile when it came to certain things for so long that its finally taking its toll. i cant keep pretending like im perfectly okay with my life at this moment. theres so many things that im not happy with that the unhappy side is taking over the happy side. and i think im just in a extreme mood right now... because honestly i know i have so many things in life to be happy about, i know that my life could be 10 or 100 times worse and that other people have 10 or 100 times worse problems then i do, but im taking a moment to be selfish. i think i need it, i need one moment to myself to take time to thinking about all the self sacraficing im doing. i constantly strive to make everyone happy, i want to please everyone and it seriously kills me if i think someone might be mad at me or disappointed. im constantly concerned about others and i think i just really need to think about me for a change. as hard as that is to say, its going to be harder to do but i think writing it out is a good step. god i cant even think straight and i hav e so many things to think about right now. academically, personally, financially, my relationships& my friendships. my future my past im having a crisis at 20 and its eating me up right now. i really wish i could fly away somewhere and just forget about it all. just for a moment. i dont know. i really just dont even know. i would hate to say that im guarded but i really am. some of the things that have happened have been completely unexpected and the unexpected can be good or bad i guess it depends on how you look at it. i have tried stay focused on all the good things that can result from this but right now i hitting all the bad. i feel myself drifting farther and farther. on purpose. i know i am. i wish i didnt have things like jealously and selfishness, but we are all humans we all experience it at some point i dont care who you are, and if i wasn't jealous then it means i don't care right? but i do. and it f***in hurts to care. so in a way i wish i didn't, i wish i could tell myself to not care, but i cant, no one can, it doesnt matter what you try to do. you cant change something like that. its gonna keep hurting i know it is, and i dont know what to do about it. because what im doing right now isnt working. for now, i guess ill keep my head up. thats all i know how to do.

summer sky where are you

so ready for finals to be done & next quarter to be done &......so ready for SUMMER!

like a fat kid loves cake.

they call this bad boy the "all-american chocolate cake".. lol

so this weekend was pretty busy & yet i did nothing productive for school!!! it was horrible and im regretting it now. anyways, talk about death by chocolate, we (me&jules) bought this HUGE chocolate cake from costco (not just for us!!) to bring to a superbowl party we were going to on sunday, it was 7lbs of cake!! it is insane! & we had leftovers!! gahhh. so after both of us had a not so great day & we indulged in a piece of this amazing cake & omg. heaven. lol you can only have a super thin slice, but seriously.. i felt BETTER after eating it. so i think its true about chocolate activating endorphins or whatever in your brain, giving you that 'happy' feeling. lol.

Oh & we had our first little thingy at our apt. on saturday &it turned out really well i had lots of fun :) there are pics posted on fb. good times. & no hangovers=awesome.lol! okay time to stop procrastinating. hello paper here i come.

urban broke.

randomly was looking for something online yesterday.. like i could even remember now.. & went on urban outfitters website & got super distracted (how can you not?). i happened to get into the books n random stuff section.. where most of the things just make you go "wtf?". lol anything&everything you could ever think of(that would be banned from a reg. store. lol) but they also have super cute clothes that i could never pull off but look really good on those who can. anyways so while browsing the site it really makes me want to go shopping but i have no xtra mooolah to be spending. esp. if im hoping to go on my trip during spring break. :) blah.well now i really really have to stop avoiding the hw/tests/hell that i have to study for. ughhhhh

For the art of it.

Here goes nothing.

So randomly, well, kind of randomly, (& don't ask how its "kind of" because I'm not sure myself) I decided to start up a blog. I had one before through Live Journal & i kinda let it die. I haven't written on it in probably over a year. So, here I am again. maybe ill make it a new habit.

It all started when....

Today, after taking a test in my art history class, our teacher told us about an extra credit opp. The extra credit was to attend this guest art lecture from a Korean artist named Do-Ho Suh. So while at work, avoiding doing homework & other forms of productive things, I decided to look up the artist since I had no idea who he was. After reading a few websites and seeing a few of his pieces, I was really interested. His art is very different from what I was expecting. He had done alot of sculpture art/instillation art. The pieces I've seen are extremely intricate and detailed. AMAZINGLY detailed. Anyways, after reading what I found online, I was actually kind of excited to hear him give a "lecture". He spoke very quietly and at a rather slow pace, as if he was very careful to chose his words. At many points he had long pauses, but it seemed purposeful? He showed a number of pieces and explained some of the "stories" behind them. It was interesting (yeah i need a new word lol) to hear how thoughful and meaningful the pieces are. I love the kinds of artists that have stories behind their art; real stories at that. Powerful stories, powerful messages.

My freshman year of college, I happened to take an Art109 class, which was basically an intro to art. I found myself very interested in the class & more so then my friends who were in it with me. I guess before taking the class, I didn't know much (if anything) about art/artists. Even the famous ones I knew only very little about. That class covered quite a bit, both of past and contemporary artists. I think this reminded me of my once desire for becoming an interior designer. Yes, yes it's true. It sounds weird to me now, because I know that's not going to work out for me & my schooling has taken me down a different path, but I think I'll secretly still have this closet interest in art & design. Whose knows, maybe I'll end up there someday. Anyways, so many tagents I get started on, so back to Do-Ho. My inital urge to set up this blog for this post was in order to share some pictures of his amazing work & maybe you will find it as intriging as I do. His stories (now that I know them) are what make them even more interesting to me, however those you have to hear from the source because I am a horrible relayer of stories. I strongly encourage you to look up Mr. Suh for yourself. ♥

This image is from that picture of the welcome mat,
these tiny figures are what make up the entire mat!
These figures show up frequently in some of his
other pieces.