i dont know

i just dont even knowf***. i just dont even know. im feeling so lost right now, and i know 50% of my feelings right now are due to being emotional and being a effin girl which blows right now. i hate feeling like im on an emotional rollercoaster. i shouldn't be so upset, i shouldn't feel so tsressed right now. maybe im being to critical im over thinking im over analyzing but i cant help it. you have to think about alot when your in college. granted its a lot different then other points in your life. but im just so lost right now. and i guess in a way im looking for people to help or to blame, and a few i can, but its mostly just me. im feeling extemely alone and seperated and confused and used and a million other things. and i guess not in the way msot people would say. but i feel... like i was doing okay and handling things that life was throwing at me. but maybe ive hit my breaking point. i was staying strong for so long and faking a smile when it came to certain things for so long that its finally taking its toll. i cant keep pretending like im perfectly okay with my life at this moment. theres so many things that im not happy with that the unhappy side is taking over the happy side. and i think im just in a extreme mood right now... because honestly i know i have so many things in life to be happy about, i know that my life could be 10 or 100 times worse and that other people have 10 or 100 times worse problems then i do, but im taking a moment to be selfish. i think i need it, i need one moment to myself to take time to thinking about all the self sacraficing im doing. i constantly strive to make everyone happy, i want to please everyone and it seriously kills me if i think someone might be mad at me or disappointed. im constantly concerned about others and i think i just really need to think about me for a change. as hard as that is to say, its going to be harder to do but i think writing it out is a good step. god i cant even think straight and i hav e so many things to think about right now. academically, personally, financially, my relationships& my friendships. my future my past im having a crisis at 20 and its eating me up right now. i really wish i could fly away somewhere and just forget about it all. just for a moment. i dont know. i really just dont even know. i would hate to say that im guarded but i really am. some of the things that have happened have been completely unexpected and the unexpected can be good or bad i guess it depends on how you look at it. i have tried stay focused on all the good things that can result from this but right now i hitting all the bad. i feel myself drifting farther and farther. on purpose. i know i am. i wish i didnt have things like jealously and selfishness, but we are all humans we all experience it at some point i dont care who you are, and if i wasn't jealous then it means i don't care right? but i do. and it f***in hurts to care. so in a way i wish i didn't, i wish i could tell myself to not care, but i cant, no one can, it doesnt matter what you try to do. you cant change something like that. its gonna keep hurting i know it is, and i dont know what to do about it. because what im doing right now isnt working. for now, i guess ill keep my head up. thats all i know how to do.